Boy, I was angry both yesterday and today. Anger is like temporary insanity. I regress, become unreasonable and then when it is all over, I am amazed at how I acted. Can I stay in the calm zone? I am not perfect, but I do know what I have to do. At the risk of being a hypocrite (which technically, I wouldn't be if I am confessing my failing as hypocrisy is about wearing a mask), but maybe I can share a few tips on what helps us control our anger.
There are 5 core steps do dealing with anger.
Step 1: SIGNS - Recognize the signals of when you are getting angry. I clench my jaw, think mean thoughts, see mean things. I had a client the other day say that she is so angry and loud in her head that she cannot hear what the other person is saying. I tried noticing this and realize, that this does happen. No doubt the sympathetic nervous system is activated. The SNS (Sympathetic Nervous system) is our fight or flight response. Our inner brain (Limbic system) is activated with all it reflexive and appetite systems. The blood leave our prefrontal cortex (the thoughtful, compassionate part of the brain) and goes inward. I thinking is "fight or flight." Notice the "or" there, only two options. When we are in Sympathetic Nervous System, we are binary. We are all or nothing. Make sense for survival. If we are too busy deciding all the options, we won't act. But guess what? Our this system is pretty much activated too much. We live in this adrenaline, hyperactive and hypervigilant state. This would be fine if we lived in a jungle. But this is not so good for our physical and emotional health, let alone our spiritual life. The signs of anger can also be clenched fists, tightened muscles, neck, shoulders, etc. We might be raising our voice and feeling more energy.
2. Stop! Okay, maybe stop is too much, but for a lot of people we need to just say "STOP" to ourselves or at least say "Slow down, here." The point is that we need to knock ourselves out of this state. We have to stop this train from going off the bridge. I think people have more remorse for saying things and acting in ways in anger, than having remorse because they stopped themselves. This takes practice. I pray for help from God to accomplish this. I believe that it takes Divine intervention.
3. Think. This could be thought of as Stop and Think. We need to move to thinking about what is bothering me really. Anger is a secondary emotion. This means there is always a primary feeling behind it all. To find this, we ask ourselves, "How am I really feeling?" "What is really bothering me?" or "what is behind all this?" We calm down once we have the answer.
4. Calm down. You would think you would be calm after the first three steps. You might be, but this is about what do I need to do to dispel the energy. Anger is one of the few emotions that can be displaced. This means we can transfer it to someone else. Ever hear of kicking the dog? Well, this happens because we have not displaced it appropriately. If you save it up, stuff it, it could seep or explode out later. Think about running, walking, or driving (be careful here, not road rage, but for the scenery and quiet) to dispel the energy. This step really helps us let it go. It is always best to try to channel the anger and process it to fit the situation. Running to let of steam, may be a good choice to help you get reasonable, but it is not going to solve the initial anger situation that writing a calm but assertive let might.
5. Problem solve. This is where we do the fixing. Most of the time we may be needing to "Let it go." By this time, forgiveness, acceptance of what is bothering us is appropriate. If you can't do this, move back to the earlier steps until you can.
This will be a work in progress and I am taking a break right now.
much to do; but it is also a wonderful place to relax. We go to the beach, we take a little hike. We see raccoon, deer, and conies. Places to go see are Ft. Worden, the Swiss Lavender Farm in Pt. Townsend. The town itself is great to see the bookstores, the shops, bakeries, and unusual gifts stores. The town is a mixture of granola and artists.
